Interview with children’s author Gail Silver

Gail Silver wrote Anh’s Anger, a picture book that helps children (and, I think, adults, too) to recognize, understand, and deal with anger.

CR: Welcome, Gail. Tell us about Anh’s Anger.

GS: Anh’s Anger is a story that provides children with a mechanism to learn how to identify anger as it arises and to create a space for its expression and resolution. It does this through the introduction of a fuzzy character called “Anger” who transforms and changes as Anh’s experience of the emotion changes.

With Anh’s Anger it was my intention to create a character with whom children would identify and regularly revisit. Feeling angry is not fun, but learning how to deal with anger can be a little fun given the right context.

Anh’s Anger also explores the mind state of a child, depicting conversations between Anh and his anger. It aims to provide children with a mindfulness model of what he or she can say or do while feeling angry and after anger has settled.

In the story, Anh becomes angry when he is asked to stop playing and come to the dinner table. He tries to express himself but finds that he is too upset to find the words to reflect how he is feeling. Instead, he cries and uses unkind words. Anh’s grandfather takes the time to help Anh fully experience his anger by suggesting he go to his room and “sit with his anger.” Anh does not know what this means, but he obeys and runs to his room. There he musters the courage to talk with his anger and discovers a positive method by which to work through his feelings.

CR: How did you come to write Ahn’s Anger?

GS: This story has been growing inside of me for many years, but was finally written in 2006 while I nursed our third child, Chelsea Lane. These peaceful sittings with Chelsea provided the opportunity for me to write, however, the inspiration for the story came a few years earlier when our daughter, Anabel, was having long and exhausting temper tantrums. This was a challenging time in our home. We had not experienced these with our first child and we were struggling to find a helpful way to respond to Anabel.

As we worked through this challenging period with Anabel, I decided to more closely examine my own relationship with anger. Without subjecting you to years of reflection, psychotherapy and Buddhist Philosophy, I can summarize by sharing that I discovered three tenets of which I had not practiced in my childhood but would come to practice in my adult relationship with anger.

1) It is okay to feel angry. Who knew?

2) Anger will come and, given the proper attention, it will go.

3 ) Verbally expressing anger in a way that is not emotionally or physically hurtful to yourself nor emotionally or physically hurtful to the person to whom you are speaking is an essential part of anger resolution.

Many people are likely familiar with these concepts, but for me, it was like learning a new language and then teaching that language to Anabel. Intellectually these are simple statements, but putting them into action was, and continues to be, a conscious and practiced effort. Once able to accept and honor these tenets, I became more comfortable and more skilled at managing my own anger and helping my daughter to work through hers. Of great help to me on this journey were the teachings of Vietnamese born monk and Zen Master, Thich Nhat Hanh.

For anger resolution, Thich Nhat Hanh tells us to acknowledge the presence of anger, to imagine cradling anger as if it were a small baby, and to delay discussing your anger with the person with whom you are angry until you have felt a diminishing of the anger. This produces a gentling effect on the emotion and allows compassion to work its way into the equation. In time we feel calm enough to express ourselves without using unkind words, and we can avoid causing pain to our loved ones.

With time and patience this worked for me, but it was not easy. In fact it was very very hard. I failed often. But when I wasn’t failing, I was succeeding, and the success felt fantastic. When steaming mad with my husband, I wouldn’t lash, I wouldn’t leave and I wouldn’t pout. Instead I would pause, I would listen to my breath and I would gently say, “I’m really angry right now. I’d like to talk about this later.” And we would: later we would talk.

I had walked through a door into an entirely different land; a land where I could safely and contentedly co-exist with anger. This land was available to me my whole life, and I didn’t even know it.

Like any modern working mother, I am frequently tired and depleted, and am often angered. Managing my anger in this healthy new way was requiring constant grooming and attention, an effort I often could not muster. I found myself getting lazy with my anger and wishing that mindful anger management came easier to me. I wanted for it to be automatic. ‘If only it had been taught to me at a young age,’ I would think. ‘ Then it wouldn’t be so hard now. I would be practiced. My tools would be easily accessible. I would be like June Cleaver.’

My wish, together with my practice, inspired me to write a story that would teach children how to mindfully manage their anger from a young age. Children have an easier time appreciating a conceptual lesson if it can be depicted with something they can see, can like, and can easily recall. When angry, we can feel monster-like, so depicting the emotion of anger as a monster-like creature became the chosen path for this story.

CR: How did you become interested in mindful interaction, and what does that mean?

GS: Mindfulness is often described as being fully aware and fully present in the moment, whether that moment is driving your car, cooking a meal, taking a walk, conversing with a friend, or experiencing an emotion. We can take a walk and think about our undone
to- do list or we can take a walk mindfully and listen to the sound of our breath, smell the scent in the air, see the flowers in the grass and feel our feet on the ground. If while we walk, our undone to do list pops into our head, we can simply smile at it and say, “I will come back to you later. I am walking mindfully.”

Like a mindful walk, a mindful interaction involves providing your full and patient attention to the person with whom you are speaking while also having an awareness of how you are experiencing the interaction. In a mindful interaction, I look at the person who is speaking to me, and I listen to them without judgment. If judgment arises, which it often does, I silently acknowledge that and try not to allow it to cloud my listening. When the other person is done speaking, I pause before answering, allowing the space between us to settle. Then, I respond in a way that honestly reflects what I am feeling. I use gentle speech, intended to be helpful without being hurtful. It is often helpful to imagine the world from the point of view of the other person when practicing mindful listening.

I first became interested in mindful interaction 15 years ago when I was introduced to Buddhist philosophy in a magazine article in Psychology Today. At the time, I was evaluating my then current position in life as an attorney as well as the climate of some of my relationships, including my relationship with my own mind. The article described the key to happiness as being closely tied to self-awareness tempered with selflessness in human relations, as well as an ability to speak ones truth with kindness and compassion. That was the beginning for me. In this article I found life tools that made simple sense.

Shortly thereafter I delved into a book called Awakening the Buddha Within, by Lama Surya Das. I must admit that upon the first read I found it heavy handed and not as helpful as I had hoped. A few years later, I re-read the book and I credit that second read with putting me on the path that I now so deeply enjoy. From there it was a hop, skip and a jump to discovering the venerable Thich Nhat Hanh and his many easily digestible pieces of poetry and literature, many of which provide interesting stories and mechanisms for integrating mindfulness practice into our daily lives. My first Thich Nhat Hanh read was Peace is Every Step, and my second was Creating True Peace which discusses mindful interactions in more global terms. Both are wonderful places to begin.

CR: Did you do research for the book? If so, how and what did you learn?

GS: I have been a student of mindfulness for many years, and have had the opportunity to attended silent and contemplative retreats and to read countless books by Thich Nhat Hanh. His teachings along with practicing the art of living mindfully provided wonderful groundwork for helping to shape this story.

CR: As you were writing the book, did you read it to your own kids or to another group of kids?

GS: Yes. Over and over again. And then some more. I found myself rewriting the story with every sitting. Sometimes I would change something big, such as how Anh comes to meet his Anger, or the ending, but more often I would change a word here and there. With every alteration, no matter how small, my three children and very supportive husband listened dutifully. I would often awake early in the morning, make changes, and then read them to my husband, before he even opened his eyes. He didn’t like that. Mealtime and bath time were also good times for Anh’s Anger discussion in our house. Everyone would be together, everyone would listen, and everyone shared their opinions in ways that were thoughtful and helpful.

CR: Tell us about the illustrations.

GS: Christiane Kromer provided the beautiful artwork for this book. She used different techniques, including vibrant layered collages and realistic pencil drawings.

The publisher, Parallax Press, paired us up, and I am grateful for what I feel is such a wonderful match. Christiane brought the character of Anger to life in a way that I couldn’t have imagined. She had her own ideas about the way that Anger should be depicted and they were quite different from mine. At first I was hesitant to appreciate her vision, but she stood firm in her views, and in the end, I was overjoyed with her rendering of Anger.

She cleverly included pieces of mindfulness practice in her artwork. Upon careful examination of the illustration, one can see that the elements of anger exist in fabrics and colors on Anh and in his environment. For instance, there is a flower on the windowsill of Anh’s bedroom, and this flower appears on Anger in different ways on different pages, reminding us that within the depth of the emotion there exists a flower. Some people may notice the flower in almost every picture, while others will wait to notice the flower at the end of the story. It serves to remind us that even when angry, a flower can exist within us.

CR: You founded a yoga studio in Philadelphia. Do you use Anh’s Anger in your other work with children?

GS: Yes. In 2010, Anh’s Anger will become a part of the Yoga Child school-based curriculum. The Yoga Child In-School Program teaches yoga and mindfulness to children in Philadelphia Schools during the school day and as a part of after school programming. Each class centers around a theme such as balance, self-expression, or a journey to a far away place. A part of our curriculum includes what is called an “Asana Story,” where a book in integrated into the class and children listen to the story and then express what is happening in the story through yoga postures and breathing exercises. Anh’s Anger will be the book of choice for our, “self-expression” classes and will also be used more generally in other classes as an example for children to learn simple mindful breathing.

CR: What has surprised you most since becoming a published author?

GS: I am little surprised by the continued source of joy that comes with having this story published. Often when exciting things happen to us, the light shines bright and then dims with passing time. Even on the most difficult of days, I find joy in knowing that this story is out there. Sharing this story with children brings such delight to my heart, especially as I see them identify with the characters.

I am also surprised by how much work goes into spreading the word about a book. Even though my publisher worked closely with me, and provided a marketing plan, I still find meeting my responsibilities to be challenging. I think next time I will try to take an even bigger head start.

Spreading the word about Anh’s Anger has had the added benefit of allowing me to reconnect with old friends. It is so lovely to hear from people who I have not heard from in decades. Old friends and acquaintances are reaching out and sending their support. A new book has provided a wonderful bridge to old friendships.

CR: Ahn’s Anger is the first in a series of 3 books. What is the theme of the series? What are the titles of the other books, and when will they be published?

GS: The theme is the emotion of anger and the different ways that we relate to and express anger as we age. As Anh ages he will learn new mindfulness techniques to help co-exist with and express anger.

I don’t want to give too much away, but I can say that book three, Once Upon A Lily Pond, will satisfy the popular request that I hear when I finish an Anh’s Anger reading. The request is usually something along the lines of, “I want to hear Grandfather’s story.”

The second book in the series is called Anh’s Anger And The Thirty Steps. It has a publication date of Fall 2011. In this book we visit with Anh as a school age youngster in a school setting. Anh will be older than in the first book, and he will have some new mindfulness tools to share with his readers.



CR: Where can people purchase your book?

GS: You can find it in a variety of places, including independent booksellers, Barnes and Noble online, and Amazon. It may even be in some Barnes and Noble stores. However, if you would like to support the non-profit publisher of the book, Parallax Press, you can purchase directly from www.Parallax.org.

CR: Do you have a website you’d like to share?

GS: Yes. Please visit www.gailsilverbooks.com and have a look around. If you would like to know more about mindfulness and learn about other mindfulness-based publications, please visit www.parallax.org. If you are interested in learning to teach yoga and mindfulness in schools or in learning more about Yoga Child, please visit www.yogachild.net.

CR: Thank you, Gail; what you shared was very interesting and thoughtful! Is there anything else you’d like to add?

GS: Thank you, Cheryl, for this interview and thank you to your readers for reading along. I hope that you enjoy Anh’s Anger and that it proves to be a helpful and enjoyable resource.

December 14th, 2009