I am glad to be here. And healing happens in layers.

I am glad that I am still here. Glad I am alive. But that doesn’t mean everything is easy. I still have hard days. Still have days where I really struggle. Have still had days where I thought of suicide. But I will never kill myself. I am grateful to be here and to have a voice.

Trauma, especially severe, ongoing childhood trauma, leaves deep wounds on the soul and mind. I deal with severe depression, anxiety, CPTSD, suicidal ideation, dissociation, and DID as a direct result of the torture and abuse I survived. Sometimes I still have flashbacks & triggers. But it is SO much better than before.

It is SO much better than when I was being abused. I couldn’t have imagined living without constant pain & terror then, but I know it now. I didn’t really believe that I would find safety, good people, or have a voice. I am so glad I didn’t give up. I hope you don’t, either.

Some things that helped me: therapy; facing my abuse memories with support; talking honestly with people; getting it out safely through writing and art; EMDR; EFT and tapping. Positive distraction like books and music. Connecting with other people. Knowing I wasn’t alone.

I am scared of taking drugs because my abusers used drugs on me and the other kids, so I usually avoid them. I did try some meds for depression but mostly they made it worse for me. But I know they help many people and are something to try. For me, I use natural supplements.

And they help. But sometimes they’re not enough. And when they’re not enough I make sure that I get help. I talk to my therapist and the people who love me. And I try to climb back out of the depression and the despair. But most of the time? It is so much better and I am glad to be here.

Lately I’ve added other things that help, too – like meditation through Sahaja Yoga (which is free worldwide), hypnotherapy through Marisa Peer, healthy eating. And always, always connecting with good people. It all makes a difference.

I didn’t used to be able to see the beauty in nature. I only saw fear because nature was one of the place my abusers tortured me in. But I can see it now. I can see and appreciate the beauty in the sky, trees, flowers, in our world around us. Healing happens in so many layers.

And it gets better. It gets so much better. So if you are a struggling, I see you. I hear you. And I hope that you hang on to see it get better, and then even better. Keep reaching out. Keep connecting. There is beauty and love and healing. There is joy. #SuicidePrevention #suicideawareness #MentalHealth #MentalHealthAwareness #SurvivorStrong

About Cheryl Rainfield

I write the books I needed and couldn't find as a teen. I write teen fiction--paranormal fantasy and gritty realistic fiction. I'm the author of SCARS (WestSide Books, 2010) #1 ALA QuickPicks, and Governor General Literary Award Finalist, HUNTED (WestSide Books, Oct 2011), STAINED (Harcourt, 2013), The Last Dragon (HIP Books, Sept 2009), and Walking Both Sides (HIP Books, 2011). I also enjoy drawing, surfing the web, connecting with people I like, doing crafts, and being with my dog.
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