I thought of suicide a lot when I was a teen. I couldn’t bear the extreme emotional pain, depression, despair, & terror from the abuse & torture I was living. I needed it to end. I tried to kill myself several times. But I am grateful to be alive today.
What I needed most was an end to the pain. I needed safety, love, and compassion. It took me a long time to find that. But I got it in little bits from people over the years. I kept reaching out to people until I found ones that heard me and truly cared. That helped.
Therapy also helped me. Facing my trauma and abuse, working through it, remembering my abusers and getting safe. And finding real friends. Getting out my emotion in safe ways. Writing and drawing it out. Disappearing into books. Writing my own.
I think of how desperately I wanted to die when I was a teen (and some other times). But if I had I wouldn’t have written SCARS and gotten it published, a book that’s helped save lives, helped readers stop cutting, and to know that being queer is okay.
If I had killed myself then, I never would have had the incredible love and support that I get from my therapist who is like a mom to me, my closest friends who are my chosen family, and my sweet little dog/s. I never would have known what safety feels like.
I am grateful now that I am alive. So if you are struggling with pain and trauma and mental health issues, if you are struggling with suicide, I hope you realize that things can get better, but only if you are here to experience them. Keep reaching out to people. Stay alive.
And if you need it please read my Reasons Not To Kill Yourself. They are things that have helped me. I hope they will help you, too.